When I was a wee thing in my adolescent sexual prime, a favourite bed-time activity for my boyfriend and I was to jerk each other off.
Flipping through the dozens of sex manuals I’ve accumulated over the years, I noticed that most go on at length about the benefits of getting in touch with yourself, but few mention masturbating each other. Some books encourage you to masturbate in front of your partner, and I agree that this can be a great turn on and a great way to show your sweetie how you like it.

But sometimes there’s nothing I like better than giving or receiving a good old-fashioned hand job.

And bonus: it’s also safe sex.
Sadly, as a result of the hand job’s relegation to the realm of pubescent fumblings, many of us are clueless about what to do with our hands when they’re full of our partner’s private parts.
How difficult can it be with boys, you ask? Just rub it up and down till it spurts, right? I admit that, in general, guys are a little easier to handle, but there are still some things you can do to give him a hand job he’ll remember.

I did find one new book that offers some, uh, handy tips in this department.

Sex Tips for Straight Women from a Gay Man (ReganBooks) by Dan Anderson and Maggie Berman (is she a gay man?) includes a chapter called Manual Labour that describes what they call the “Up, Twist, Over and Down” technique.
Before you get to that, however, you can get him going even before he gets his pants off with a little crotch massage.

Just be sure to let him out before you break something.

Especially if he’s wearing tight pants. If there’s a zipper involved, be careful. Once you free his willy, you best lube it. Unlike us girls, guys don’t self-lubricate, and dry stroking ain’t fun. Saliva is obviously the most readily available lubricant, but dipping into a bedside glass of water will also do the trick. If you want to use a commercial lubricant, try Wet, Astroglide, or ID. These stay slippery longer than KY. Just don’t make things too slippery – you want to maintain some friction.

Get comfy.

If you want to lie side by side so you can do each other, make sure you’re on the side that allows you to use your best hand. I personally find it easier if I’m on top, straddling his hips. This way, if you press your groin up against his, you can pretend you’ve got your very own penis to play with. Sex Tips suggests that gay men prefer to give hand jobs lying on their backs straddled by the recipients. Personally, I find this gives me less control. I like to have him at my mercy.

Once he’s lubed and you’re comfy, circle his penis so the back of your hand is against his stomach and your thumb is under the tip. Use the other hand to grab the base to give you more control and keep him fully at attention. Then, slide your hand up, twist, glide over the head and slide back down. Repeat: Up, twist, over down, up, twist…. When you’re sliding around or over the head, remember that’s it’s very sensitive so if he gets jumpy, lighten up. The trick is to find his rhythm and speed. When in doubt, ask questions. If he’s too far gone to speak, develop a code: one groan means yes, two means no.

The authors of Sex Tips suggest you practice on a tube of cookie dough. A little thick maybe but about the right density. “Stroke it hard enough to leave an impression but not a dent,” they write.
Don’t ignore his testicles. Give him a squeeze, and if you’re both okay with it, maybe stick a finger in his bum. When his whole body tightens and he’s ready to blow, speed up until he comes, then slow down until he comes back down to earth. Seal it with a quick kiss and congratulate yourself on a hand job well done.

I’m not even sure you call it a hand job when it’s performed on a woman.

“No, it’s a clitoral massage,” my favourite hand-job artist suggests. Oh yeah, that rolls right off the tongue. Lets just call it a hand job for simplicity’s sake. Which doesn’t mean giving a woman a hand job is simple. There are more parts, and many of them are less obvious. It took me years to get it right even on myself.
The most common complaint I hear from women is that men go for the goods too quickly. Again, before she’s even got her pants off, you should let your fingers do some crotch walking. And since there’s no worry you’ll break something, you can keep her pants on even longer. The greater the build up, the less work you’ll have to do when you get there. Even once you’ve got her pants off, don’t go straight for the goods. Brush along her hip bones and her pubic hair. Run your fingers gingerly across her vagina every so often and you’ll have her begging for more. Don’t give in yet.

Again, get comfy.

When it comes to diddling a woman, it’s less about getting a good grip as coming at it from a good angle. If you lie beside her on your back you can reach down to her love spot at the same angle she has when she plays this game by herself.

When she looks about ready to hump the cat if you don’t give her a little more action, kick in with a move I call “The Slide.” Curve your finger into a crescent shape and slide it over the clitoral hood, continuing down between the lips and just inside the vagina, curving your finger along the upper inside wall. Without lifting your finger, slide back out again and retrace the same crescent shape. Repeat. If she’s not slippery enough to do this, she may not be ready for it or you could try it with a little lube. We like the stuff too.

Most women I know, don’t like fingers directly on their magic button. Stimulation through the clitoral hood will usually do the trick. Practise by putting your middle fingertip flat against the tip of your nose. Now gently roll the tip of your nose around, keeping your finger tip flat. Wiggle it back and forth once in a while, go back to rolling. Slide up and down the bridge. Now look around the bus to see how many people are staring at you while you’re reading this and practising.

Knowing when to go harder and faster is the toughest thing to figure out. If you change pace at that crucial moment when she’s about to come, she’ll lose it. You gotta know when to stick with it. That’s why it’s important to get her well on her way first. You’ll avoid finger cramping because she won’t need 10 minutes of diddling to get her where she wants to go.

Most of us perfected our masturbatory technique at a young age. Some of us are strokers, some of us are pillow humpers. Some prefer to stand up, some like to sit down. Find out what works best for your partner and then remember that practise makes perfect. Being able to give your honey a good hand job can really put you in touch with each other.