Kinky · Kinky life · Sex positivity · Sex tips · Vicky

What is orgasm denial?

I’ve got my nose deep in at least three of the books I picked up last week (no, silly, not all at once…). But one in particular tends to stay with me even when I’m not reading it, so I thought I’d share some of my thoughts so far.

Consensual Sadomasochism by Bill Henkin has been interesting and has helped to reassure me that a great many of my previously held notions about leathersex are completely false. When you first hear about D&S, it’s so tempting to believe that subs are people with low self esteem who somehow believe they should be treated badly, and doms are bossy, violent control freaks who only care about getting off at the expense of their sub.

spanked in public

Not so (not that I have much practical experience to back this up!). Everything I’ve read so far shows me that D&S is no different than any other sexual activity… it’s best when both partners are more concerned with their partner’s pleasure than their own. It wasn’t very surprising to read about submissives wanting only to please their dom, but it did surprise me to read about doms who really get off on tying up their subs and making them come again and again until they’re too weak to stand. Popular culture tends not to focus so much on the pleasure gained by the “bottom”, so of course unless you read about this stuff you may never realize how much pleasure is to be gained – by both parties.

One of the most interesting ideas to come out of the book so far – the concept of orgasm denial. I guess it appealed to me because, as a woman, I’ve found that the men I’ve been with over the years are very orgasm oriented. I suppose they can’t help it – that’s their makeup – but as a result there are times when I feel like their entire purpose is to make me come – and they’ll keep working at it, dammit, until they succeed. It can sometimes create a lot of pressure, especially if you’re not feeling very orgasm-y. And I don’t always need an orgasm to thoroughly enjoy being intimate with someone.

But the paradigm shift – “No, I’m not going to allow you to come – no matter what I do, you’re not allowed, until I say so.” – turned me on greatly, at least in theory. Now, instead of trying to have an orgasm, you’re trying desperately NOT to come. And somehow I think that this would drive me crazy. The trick, of course, would be to make me wait a long time – an hour maybe? – until I really am straining for it but in a good way.

Or maybe I just really like the idea of begging to be allowed to come… 🙂

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