The official word is out, and it’s heartening to behold.

The caloric content of semen is something I’ve joked around with my girlfriends for years. Somewhere along the line I got it in my head that it was around 75 calories. I thought this was A Good Thing. After all, what’s 75 calories in the whole grand scheme of things? If anything, I used this small caloric content over the years to convince women I knew who were reticent about doing the deed that swallowing can be fun.

Okay, confession time here. I know in this safety-first age of sex, an age where AIDS or hepatitis C can come up and bite you on the ass – literally – that swallowing can be A Bad Thing. Unless with a life partner – both of whom have been tested and cleared, I know (like every good Citizen) that prodigious use of condoms, plastic wrap, dental dams and the like is neccessary. That swallowing semen is a no-no in a big way. After all, we have our long-term health to think about, right? What’s more important here – the rest of your LIFE or a one-off?

Safety precautions duly noted, I just can’t do it. I love feeling a man come in my mouth. I can’t imagine giving head with a condom on. I can’t imagine letting it shoot and hit me in the eye. And after all, isn’t it what we all want – to convulse and break apart while our lover holds us in their mouths? Anything else is less – severely less. Life-threatening or not, I just can’t gear myself up to do it. It would be like ordering a hot fudge sundae and leaving behind that big glob of hot fudge they leave in the bottom of the glass! Unthinkable! It’s your prize, your reward.

Yeah, I know. I’m going to hell one day. But I’ll do it having fun, dammit.

So. Caloric content. Turns out I was wrong on a scale of ten! According to Salon.com, semen contains just 5 calories or so. Plus iron and zinc and proteins! It’s health food, for goodness sakes!

What all this means is, ladies, indulge yourselves. I could have twenty of these a day and not gain weight! In fact with the proteins and iron and zinc, I’d probably be a healthier person for it! Gives a whole new meaning to terms like “liquid diet”, “protein power plan” and “one-a-day vitamin”.

Best news I’ve had all day.